TARTAR SAUCE WITH THAT FISH?

While watching THE TARTARS (1961), any thinking person would have to wonder just how badly did Orson Welles and Victor Mature need the money they were paid to appear in this turkey? It can't have been a large sum of cash (although I suspect Welles probably demanded and got more money than Mature), but still, given the ultra low budget of this picture, it couldn't have been much. Besides, a sizeable portion of said budget probably had to go to booze and food for Welles and extra oily hair gel for Mature.

The exteriors of THE TARTARS were shot in Yugoslavia, with interiors lensed in Rome. The picture plays fast and loose with ancient history in this muddled yarn of Vikings vs. Tartars. Welles is convincing enough as warlord Burundai but Mature is hopelessly miscast as a Viking chieftain. His dark looks and mini-skirted garb stand in marked contrast to the rest of his men who are all clearly Italian extras clad in helmets with immense horns and similar looking long blonde wigs. 

Still, there's material in the screenplay (written by a committee of Italian scenarists) for a fairly decent little sword and sandal adventure. There are plenty of battle sequences with swords, axes, bows and arrows, catapults, battering rams, etc., but all of these scenes are remarkably restrained and produce not a drop of onscreen blood.

And if you look carefully at the big duel scene between Welles and Mature that climaxes the film, you'll note that neither of the men ever appear in the same scene together. Mature is shown in close-up, the film cuts to a close-up of Welles, then a medium shot of what are clearly stand-ins. It's doubtful that the men ever had any real time together off screen during the production of the film. Indeed, the majority of Welles's scenes are all shot on a sound stage, a perk that might have been demanded in his contract. 

I really shouldn't obsess about mistakes in a film such as this but I can't help but call attention to how the Viking "fort" is constructed. Most forts throughout history have consisted of four walls to repel attackers and keep people safe inside. Not this one. 

The Viking fort is constructed of only three sides of wooden posts. Where the fourth wall should be, is a river bank. That's right, the rear of the fort is totally open to attack by any ships that chose to sail down river. In fact, three Tartars attack the fort in just such a manner, swimming across the span to launch a guerilla style raid from the rear. Why didn't the rest of the Tartars employ this strategy, rather than waste men, horses and weapons in a frontal assault?

I know, I know, it's not worth the effort to think about but it made me curious. 

Oh, and if you're wondering where the title for this post comes from, it's from eating many a meal at the legendary Luby's cafeterias, a Texas based chain of eateries that are now almost all gone. Good times at Luby's.

And yes, I did want tartar sauce with my fish.