Tuesday, June 28, 2016

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM


We take you now to the executive offices of 20th Century Fox film studios. The date is early 2007. The following is a transcript of a conversation between two high level studio execs, Chuck Roast and Bill Fold.

Chuck: Bill, good to see you again baby. How was your flight out? Can I get you anything? Water? Some white? A nosh? You really should try this brie. It's fantastic.

Bill: No thanks, I'm good. The flight was fine thanks for asking. That new corporate jet is really sweet.

Chuck: Yeah, Cheyenne and I flew it down to Cancun last week. You remember Cheyenne? Dumber than a box of hammers but she can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch.
Anyway, let's get started. The reason I called you out here for this meeting was this new project we've just green lighted. It's gonna open on Christmas day of this year so we've got a tight production schedule.

Bill: I hate those short turn around projects. They never turn out well.

Chuck: Yeah, I know, but what can you do? We've got the date locked in. It's a Christmas present for the nerds.

Bill: What's the picture?

Chuck: Well, you remember how well ALIENS VS. PREDATOR did for us in 2004? We're gonna do a sequel to it. Got a screenplay already finished.

Bill: What's the title? SON OF ALIENS VS. PREDATOR? BRIDE OF ALIENS VS. PREDATOR?

Chuck: Naw, nothing corny like that. It's ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM.

Bill: Requiem? Requiem for what?

Chuck: Who gives a fuck for what? It sounds cool and the morons we're selling this to won't know what the hell it means but they won't admit it or they'll lose their nerd creds.

Bill: Who wrote it?

Chuck: Shane Salerno but we told him how to do it in order to work with our budget.

Bill: Money trouble?

Chuck: I wouldn't call it trouble exactly, it's just that we don't have a whole lot of it to spend. But it doesn't matter, cause we'll make a shitload out of this thing.

Bill: Just what is our budget exactly?

Chuck: A dollar ninety-eight.

Bill: Okay, what can we get for that?

Chuck: Well, we can't afford any name actors. We've signed Steven Pasquale, Reiko Aylesworth, John Ortiz, Johnny Lewis and Ariel Gade.

Bill: Who?

Chuck: I know, a bunch of stiffs, but they work cheap.

Bill: Christ, can't we get some name, some has-been old timer to do a walk on? Abe Vigoda? Bill Schallert? Hell, I saw Sid Melton at the Vegas airport the other day. He told me he's desperate for work.

Chuck: We can't afford it. By the way, you'll love the guys we've hired to direct it.

Bill: Guys?

Chuck: Yeah, the Brothers Strause.

Bill: Who?

Chuck: A couple of peach fuzz fanboys. They're effects guys. This is their first directing job.

Bill: Well, at least they're both still guys. Did you hear the crazy shit that happened to the Wachowskis? I swear, Christmas at their house must be like fuckin' CHINATOWN. "He's my brother! He's my sister! He's my brother!"

Chuck: Oh, and you'll love the guy we got to shoot it. Daniel Pearl.

Bill: Who?

Chuck: You know, the guy that shot TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

Bill: Jesus Chuck, that was what, like forty years ago?

Chuck: Yeah but we've fixed that problem too. See, almost everything takes place at night. In the rain. During a power outage. But we've fixed it so that there's always at least one really bright exterior light source during the scenes that take place indoors. Don't ask about logic. We gotta have those damn spots otherwise you won't be able to see crap all anything. As is, some of the shots are gonna be pretty murky.

Bill: Define murky.

Chuck: It'll look like the dude forgot to take the lens cap off of the camera, that's how dark. But we really want it dark. Hell, we have to have it dark in order to make up for something else.

Chuck: Don't tell me...

Bill: Yeah, the effects suck hind tit. The creature costumes are off model and the CGI looks like it was done by some tard on an Etch-a-Sketch. But see, everything's at night. In the rain. During a power outage. Ring any bells?

Chuck: That damn Godzilla mess with Matt Broderick?

Bill: You got it. Besides, all the dark and screaming and blood and shit will just make the fanboys think they're seeing something really scary.

Chuck: So what's the end? How do the bugs get aced?

Bill: You'll love this. A small nuke takes out the entire town but a helicopter with a handful of survivors on board survives the blast wave and a dose of lethal radiation. It's just a regular medical evac chopper but it's got armor like the fuckin' Batplane to withstand the shit it goes through.

Chuck: I don't know. The whole thing sounds hinky to me.

Bill: Chuck, baby, would I steer you wrong? I promise you, with what we're spending on this turkey profits are guaranteed. Plus we've got a shitload of merchandising and tie-ins ready to go. Video games. Comic books, Action figures. The whole nine yards. I'm tellin' ya, the geeks'll eat this shit up.

Chuck: Well, as long as it makes money I guess it's okay to  go ahead.

Bill: Yeah and after this one, we've already got a third one in the pipeline. How does ALIENS VS. PREDATOR WALKS AMONG US grab ya?


1 comment:

  1. Too bad they couldn't spring for the great Sid Melton.

    ReplyDelete